Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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