This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
