he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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