All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
