This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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