I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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