he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
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