I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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