Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How does one acquire holy water?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
