I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
