how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
