Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
