dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
