Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
