I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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