If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
pop tarts are not kleenex
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
