i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
