Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
