New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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