He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
