i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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