you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
