My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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