hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
