I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
