I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
