He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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