Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
