Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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