I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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