she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
