my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
