so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
