people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
