my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
