cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
