I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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