gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I woke up under a house in Key West
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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