I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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