the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize