So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
