Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
