man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
