Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
