they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think people are normalizing furries
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
