Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
