it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
