also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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