Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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