I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
